Bad feelings
I was out for a run the other day when I had a minor incident with two women and a pram. They were walking along, one of them pushing the pram, and I approached from the opposite direction in a place where it was impossible to leave the footpath because a handrail and some trees hemmed me in on the roadway side. The women had space between them but they didn’t move closer together, so as I reached them I was forced to stop and stand to the side to let them past. It was annoying, in a minor way, and I ran on thinking that they had been a little rude not to make room for me.
What do you do in a situation like that? I find myself in a few thought processes, some of which are more helpful than others.
- Justifying my bad feelings by criticising their actions.
- Calculating what I could have done differently to avoid the situation.
- Wondering what was going on in their day to make them act in that way.
- Paying attention to how exactly the bad feelings arose in my mind in response to the event.
- Watching the effects of the bad feelings and noticing how they gradually dissipate.
What I rarely do, simply because I don’t have the presence of mind at the time, is to retain a sense of proportion. The idea that the incident is simply unimportant doesn’t dawn on me until I’ve let go of the flash of anger or frustration which arose.
I like to think of Charlotte Joko Beck’s analogy. Feelings, good or bad, are going to visit your mind from time to time. Sit them down in the parlour and give them a cup of tea. When they try to involve you in their dramas listen politely, like a good host, but don’t engage with them in their gossip. Before long they will leave, and from time to time you will have other visitors.
Emotions like joy and sadness are the foundation of life, however. I welcome these rather more with open arms, and enjoy their company. Or rather, I don’t always enjoy the company of sadness, but I respect it and recognise its value in my life. Sometimes I recoil from it in spite of myself, which I think of as a mistake because that is likely to cause it to return in disguise.
As much as I try to be welcoming I’m not as open-hearted a host to most other feelings, because I suspect them of bringing along an agenda. Other feelings are often pushy, tricksy, or argumentative. They make bad guests. What’s more they’re often not there on their own behalf, but instead speak for secretive or manipulative emotions like shame and anger. Unmasking the real visitor can take patience and careful observation. Take my frustration with pram lady - careful thought made me consider the possibility that my real visitor was guilt at being inconsiderate to a grieving friend recently.
So how would I like to respond next time a small irritation arises? With compassion. With humor. At the very least with a sense of proportion. The small things are practise for the big things, I reckon. Oh and I’d really like to not take life so bloody seriously!
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